It is still to hard to talk about the people in my family that I have lost and probably due to the fact I never properly went through the stages of grief. I actually have a habit of blocking memories like they never even happened as a coping mechanism. My brother, on the other hand, is very outspoken and talks about the tragedies he has experienced over and over again to this day. It is like he cannot accept and I cannot even deal with it.
For thinking about my personal feeling when I die is a real reality I have experienced. I have had to sign a living will in the hospital and designate someone to make decisions for me. I assigned my husband. I told him if there are any chances for me to live then keep me living but if I am on life support incapacitated physically and mentally than to let me go so I do not torture my family. When I was put on bed rest during my pregnancy and for a while after, I was around 85 lbs feeling like a ghost. I lost my hair and had to go to an infusion center weekly. This was very hard because my husband worked and I scheduled my infusions on his day off so he could watch our newborn at the time. What is more emotional than for a new mom to schedule her life saving procedures around her husbands work schedule in order for the baby to be watched and not be subjected to the side effects of the medicines being administered. I was getting Remicade and Benedryl. I would be there for >12 hours because of the amounts of benedryl I had to stop my allergic reactions to the medicine. Finally the nurse said it was enough and stopped the treatment. They were going to give me a colostomy bag (while stating it may NOT EVEN HELP) and let me go home, on my way slowly to death. An angel, a nurse in the hospital, told me of a doctor in Gainesville that prescribed me humira and another chemotherapeutics to save my life and it did. I took my self of one of the meds and am starting to feel a little different. I hope I did the right thing. Long story short is that I have faced death and it was surprisingly easier than I thought. I was more concerned about my husbands choice of 2nd wife being a sweet person and good to my Elijah, rather than just another pretty face. I was most concerned about my son's well being and that everything was taken care of for him. No one wanted to have this conversation with me and thought brought much anger and frustration. "Why would no one deal with it? Why do they deny what is going on? "Those are the issues that actually upset me the most.All I wanted was to make the transition an easy one if 'god for bid" something happened and the nurses were the only ones I really could express myself to. That was most surprising!
It is still to hard to talk about the people in my family that I have lost and probably due to the fact I never properly went through the stages of grief. I actually have a habit of blocking memories like they never even happened as a coping mechanism. My brother, on the other hand, is very outspoken and talks about the tragedies he has experienced over and over again to this day. It is like he cannot accept and I cannot even deal with it.
For thinking about my personal feeling when I die is a real reality I have experienced. I have had to sign a living will in the hospital and designate someone to make decisions for me. I assigned my husband. I told him if there are any chances for me to live then keep me living but if I am on life support incapacitated physically and mentally than to let me go so I do not torture my family. When I was put on bed rest during my pregnancy and for a while after, I was around 85 lbs feeling like a ghost. I lost my hair and had to go to an infusion center weekly. This was very hard because my husband worked and I scheduled my infusions on his day off so he could watch our newborn at the time. What is more emotional than for a new mom to schedule her life saving procedures around her husbands work schedule in order for the baby to be watched and not be subjected to the side effects of the medicines being administered. I was getting Remicade and Benedryl. I would be there for >12 hours because of the amounts of benedryl I had to stop my allergic reactions to the medicine. Finally the nurse said it was enough and stopped the treatment. They were going to give me a colostomy bag (while stating it may NOT EVEN HELP) and let me go home, on my way slowly to death. An angel, a nurse in the hospital, told me of a doctor in Gainesville that prescribed me humira and another chemotherapeutics to save my life and it did. I took my self of one of the meds and am starting to feel a little different. I hope I did the right thing. Long story short is that I have faced death and it was surprisingly easier than I thought. I was more concerned about my husbands choice of 2nd wife being a sweet person and good to my Elijah, rather than just another pretty face. I was most concerned about my son's well being and that everything was taken care of for him. No one wanted to have this conversation with me and thought brought much anger and frustration. "Why would no one deal with it? Why do they deny what is going on? "Those are the issues that actually upset me the most.All I wanted was to make the transition an easy one if 'god for bid" something happened and the nurses were the only ones I really could express myself to. That was most surprising!
Lauren, I am so sorry for all that you have had to contend with at such a young age. Crying is okay and very cathartic so do not apologize for feeling what you feel and allowing your emotions to the forefront. Disease, illness, death, dying...the loss of a loved one, especially a pet that was loved and that loved you is really difficult. Grief is a very individual thing and each person will find their own unique way to cope. As we will talk about in the upcoming lectures, there are a variety of ways that people deal with their circumstances and there is no "right or wrong" way only "good and better" or "positive or negative" ways! Thinking about ones own death is not easy-and when forced to it can be a disrupting experience for you and those around you who love you. this is why people tend to avoid doing it! There is something to be said for living in the moment unless that moment happens to revolve around making life altering decisions that will impact you and your family! People are usually surprised at their strength and ability to see clearly and make good decisions when necessary. At the time you were going through treatment, did you find yourself reflecting on the things that were good in your life? Did you begin to regret/grieve the things that you had not done? Did you grieve for the things that you might miss like growing old with your husband or watching your son grow up? These are often end of life ruminations that can occur when one is truly near death. Remember your own story when/if you encounter patients who are expereincing difficulty times, who have a terminal illness and who may be near death - especially if they are young. Thanks for sharing such a personal story with me
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